Jesus

If I take off the lens of a believer and put up the bifocals of a historian and examine Jesus, what do I observe?
What jumps out to me the most about Jesus, or about any of the followers of Jesus?

One thing I notice is that Jesus doesn’t give a CRAP about what people think of him, the rich Romans nor the Jewish Pharisees. He never cared where he stands according to their ladders: the prestigious political Roman ladder or the legalistic religious Jewish ladder. He never cared!

What is most important to any one else (the religious pedigree or the political cleverness) seems be irreverent in Jesus’ frame of mind.

It doesn’t matter how many Teens Conferences I’ve attended, how many fellowships I’ve led, how many mission trips I’ve been on or even how many people that have been saved though my work. It doesn’t even matter what mark I have on my transcript or how many initials are after my name, or how many jobs I’ve had. Those are great things, they look great on a resume. They also look great when I share my testimony. Here is Miss Sunday School girl with her wide grin because she has got it all together. Yah right. There is a dark side to all of these. Jesus doesn’t care about the Christian ladder of striving or the world ladder of career excellence, He cares about my heart and your heart.

That’s not the point. Jesus came to save the sinners, of which I am the worst! If I am not sick, why would I need a physician in the first place? In spite of the incredible miracles that I’ve experienced, in spite of all these significant events in my life that spoke louder than anything else in the world that God loves me and he is true to me. I still doubt him, not because of circumstances, but because I have this human nature in me that wants to run away from Him when he asks, “where are you?” Garden of Eden is awesome, but it’s foreign to me. Sometimes, I am used to be born on the other side of Garden of Eden, sometimes, I forget the greatness that God has bestow upon all of us to give glory back to Him. Sometimes, I just want to veg, and like the Hosea’s wife, I want to run away from the One person that is true and good to me. Why? I can’t even answer that question.

No worries, I am still sticking around, kicking the ground, struggling with God, watching him crumble two ladders (the Christian and the world ladders of excellence) that I’ve been trying to climb all my life. It’s a painful thing to watch, because I know that I need to learn that those ladders don’t define me as much as I want them to, because only God can define me.

I’m not Miss Sunday School girl, I don’t love going to school 17 years in a roll without a break. I don’t. I am sick and tired of those ladders that I’ve used to define me. I am sick of tired of the “goals” I’ve set for myself. I’ve failed tons of times!

Surrender the idol of perfection and just give me Jesus. I don’t want the health care professional hat or the Christian missionary hat to define me. With or without those hats, I still struggle with just choosing to believe Him on a daily basis.

I am a sinner in need of grace, ocean of grace, drowning in His grace.

Fighting for joy

I am flawed in so many ways that I can hardly start listing them out. But the crazy, glorious truth of it all is that I am flawed but I am working out my salvation. I want to be more like Christ, as suppose to a selfish spoiled princess who lives in her own dream land. I can annoy a lot of people and I am become more self-conscious of it, but the beauty of it all is there are so many awesome brothers and sisters who can stand my quirkiness. If you can stand my quirkiness, you get to also share with the boundless joy in me that is evident regardless of whatever situations I find myself in. After all, we must fight for joy like a patient with chronic lung condition must fight for the right to breathe air! I love that verb, we must FIGHT for joy, because it is so scarce and rare these days.

My ways of fighting for joy is so odd. Movies, sports, fashion or party just don’t cut it for me. Is it weird that my heart skips a beat when I see injustice and want to do something about it? Is it stupid to day dream about being on one of those medical relief teams in the middle of no-where as suppose to daydreaming about normal tourist sites for vacations?

China still takes my breath away every time I hear news about the country, mainly because I want to be there but the future is up to God.

A chat online with a friend made me realized that I need to work on being more humble. There is a difference between lack of confidence and being humble. I think a person with skills and abilities can still be confident, but a confidence rooted in Christ knowing that it is the Lord who grants sleep. Without sleep, and a good health, I simply cannot accomplish the things that I have accomplish.
However it is easy to caught up in pride too. Lord, break my pride! Without you, I am nothing.

Less pride and less stress/worry. Kick out the junk in my heart, to leave room for God’s awesome grace and love.

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finding God

People have different dreams for themselves. Mine? Well, my dream is to come to the end of my life and look back and realized that in spite of all my failures and mistakes and stupidness, I pursued God with all my strength, heart, mind, soul and body.

I am frustrated these days, because I feel like God is playing hide and seek with me. Have you ever feel like that before? To a certain point in my relationship with God, I learned that I need to pursue God as much as waiting to be pursued by Him.
I am awefully spoiled by God in the past, who has showered me with a cloud of witness with grand vision for the world, and I have also personally experienced miracles as well. Small miracles, but miracles nonetheless, that leave you speechless. I can give my testimony and sent chills down my own spine of how invested God is in my life.

These days, God sees my laziness, my lack of effort to carve out time for Him. I am learning to pursue God instead of waiting for him to shower
miracles on me. How do I do that in the mutane, in the routine day-to-day life of following Him?

Jesus said: Love God and love your neighbour as yourself.

I guess, that’s what I shall do.

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What if I don’t get to just intrude into other people’s lives for a short time, learn about God and just leave for the comfort in North America? What if God doesn’t want me to advocate for the needy, but what if he wants me to stand along side them?

That’s what I felt like this past summer: an intruder. I don’t want to be an intruder all the time.

Where is home for you?

I simple can’t answer that question. I don’t know where home is for me. Is it China, the country where my ethnicity and identity reside? Then, why do I feel so out of place when I go back? Why can’t I feel 100% local no matter how hard I try or was I just trying too hard to fit in? Why can’t I explain to my parents that at the end of the day, I can’t introduce myself as simply Chinese without adding Canadian, that is simply who I am. I have not forgotten my roots, my roots are just different from my parents’.

Is it Toronto, Canada? The place I lived for 10 years, the place where my parents reside?

Is it Kingston, Canada? Where I currently live temporarily.

Where am I going next? My heart is filled with anticipation. Will I be able to call that place home eventually if I live and dwell among the people long enough? Will I ever consider any place home?

Home, I love the sound of that word. It’s a bittersweet word for me.

Romans 8:22-25
22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

I am not in the charismatic branch of Christianity =) However, I do have friends who are charismatic. They have prayed for me before and ask God to reveal pictures in my head. There is always one picture that comes up again and again. On a beach or near a waterfall, I am wearing a white dress, dancing with Jesus. It makes my heart swell when I see that picture. Perhaps that is home.

forgiveness

Some awesome bible study/sermon this weekend.

The fellowship’s bible study was on Phil 3, my citizenship is in heaven! YAH!

And today’s sermon was on forgiveness. Hot topic! =)
Forgiveness is the gift that God has given us in order to navigate through the muddy water of human relationships. Most of the times, there is no clear cut division of the victim and the offender in any type of relationships (personal, or professional). The hardest part of working through conflict is that we are not only faced with the responsibilities of forgiving the other person, we also need to stare at the mistakes that we made ourselves and fall on our knees and realize that we also fall short of His perfection and His glory. And when we do actually go that extra mile to work through the awkardness of those senstivie relationships, we may surprise ourselves and reach a higher ground. Sooner or later, if we get close enough to anyone, they will rub us the wrong way. The difference is how we face those conflicts when they do come up.

After all, God has forgiven us 77 X 7 times, can we not do likewise to ourselves and to each other? =D

And I’m here to introduce to you another funny stand-up on MadTV. Anjelah Johnson, a Christian girl trying to break into hollywood. She is a supporting actress in the new movie, our family wedding.
Enjoy! =) Gotta love her accent!

Injustice

I am incredibly grateful to be in such a relevant church community here in Kingston, Bethel, which is willing to tackle issues like sex trafficking and International Justice Mission, not as a commercial break but as the main show for one of the Sundays.
Sitting in the pews today made me cringe with a mixed feeling of thankfulness, indignation, fear, compassion, and an eagerness toward action. In the middle of the sermon, I wanted to get up and go back to my apartment and just cry because those feelings were so strong.

Thankful that I live in a country that is relatively just and safe.
Indignant at the fact that people would be so base as to sell girls to the sex trade, slaughter millions non-stop etc.
Fear of the Lord, who judges all and judges how we use our gifts and abilities to serve the poor and the oppressed. We should all refuses to be bystanders in the face of injustice.
Compassion toward the hungry, the needy, and those who cannot defend themselves.
An eagerness, almost an impatience to spring into action.

As I learned the news about Haiti, my reflex reaction is to go there right away as a physical therapist relief worker, but also realized that I need to finish my program and do extra trainings as well. God has added more and more convictions as I proceed through this program and made me realized that I am just as much interested in relief work as orphan work.
As I start to listen to the heartbeats of the Lord, and realized that there are so many things that cut right throw the heart of the Lord.

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with
shelter-
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?” – Isaiah 58: 6-7

How am I doing these days?

How am I doing these days?

People are applying for jobs these days already. I need to start writing out my resume this weekend. But at the back of my mind, I know with great certainity that He holds my future.

This life is a gift. Everyday is a gift from up above. There is no time for regrets. Without any reservation, I want to worship Him with all of my heart, mind, soul and body. I only get to be 23 once and I want my 2010 to count for His Kingdom.

so How am I doing these days?
Steeped in sin, yet drowning in God’s grace.
Steeped in sin, yet drowning in God’s grace.
Steeped in sin, yet drowning in God’s grace.

Who said there wouldn’t be a price to be paid to serve God? There are times I still struggle with wanting to be in the world and of the world, but then I realized that:
Can I ever compare what I sacrificed with the Cross?

Lyricks – Scarred
ive been scarred in my mind for real.
everytime i try to look away, i remember the killed.
everytime i look away, i start feeling the chills.
lying to myself, what i saw wasnt real.

i dont want to rap about this topic anymore.
many of you think im using this because im bored.
many of you think im using them just to appeal.
im just asking you, if i dont speak for them, who will?

time is such a scary thing, ive become so calloused.
spent a night with them, i realize my homes a palace.
spent a day with them, i realized i have it good.
even though i know this, i dont live the way i should.

i was bitten by a bug, living in that area
later on i found out im carrying malaria.
no i didnt curse Him, but thanked Him for my role.
cuz now i got their suffering just tatted on my soul.

till the day i die, i will understand their pain.
depending on my God, like a farmer is with rain.
relying on my Lord, my one and only team
the hardest thing to give up: is my one and only dream.

living in a world where evil is now good.
things i couldnt do, i realize that i now could.
at times i find myself just screaming at His face,
if im not allowed, why tease me with this taste.

and every single time i just feel like letting go.
i remember all the people who believe me at my shows.
think about the power in the decisions i choose.
power to confuse or to introduce them You.

ive been scarred in my mind for real.
everytime i try to look away, i remember the killed.
everytime i look away, i start feeling the chills.
lying to myself, what i saw wasnt real.

i dont want to rap about this topic anymore.
many of you think im using this because im bored.
many of you think im using them just to appeal.
im just asking you, if i dont speak for them, who will?

under stand i never asked for this position.
sword is getting heavy and it seems like no one listens.
cuts my own flesh but you see i give it more.
my soul is in a state of a moral civil war.

and as i keep on growing so does the army of hate.
who wait for every slip and reason to call me fake.
to the panel of judges: i admit i cant handle you.
i just hope with every fall, i just become more tangible.

im another boy, another son, another man.
i failed yesterday and will fail today again.
i repeat this, to all of those you dont get it.
if im not LYRICKS then why give me the credit.

i dont want your props or your daps for my flows.
i just hope my raps will just act as sign posts.
i know im not as flashy or as attractive.
but at the end of the day, its what my tracks DID.

did i show you life or rap about death.
just to be in light did i sacrifice breath
for the riches of the world, did i compromise love.
for the beauty of her face, what did i give up

of course there are times i just wish that i was free.
just to live in todays definition of free.
want to be rebellious, reppin up the fist.
life would be easy so believing you dont exist.

ive been scarred in my mind for real.
everytime i try to look away, i remember Youre real.
everytime i look away, i start feeling the chills.
lying to myself, what i feel isnt real.

i dont want to rap about You anymore.
many of them think im using You because im bored.
many of them think im using You just to appeal.
im just asking if you, if i dont remind them, who will?

motivational trip?

The next 11 months of my life will be filled with …. joy, actually joy and school. =)

I pray that a motivational trip of some sort would turn up at the end of the 11 months, so I have something to look forward too.
I need some tan, oh I wish the snow outside can turn into sand, so I can imagine I am on a beach.

既然我下几个月没有机会用中文，现在就多听听纯中国的音乐吧！

Corporate worship music

This is why I have to try extra hard at times to focus during worship! =)

You will understand after you watch this too:

accidents

I think being a passenger of a spinning car in the middle of a packed high way on a winter snowy day helps one gains some perspectives in life. In a split second, my life could have been permanently altered like the time that I ALMOST walked into a shooting scene 3 years back, but it didn’t.

But it could have.

Being a health care professional, and watch misfortunes happen to people of all ages and all walks of life helps me to observe people when hard things hit people in an unexpected way. People are diagnosed with terminal cancer, get a massive stroke that left them bed-ridden, get into an accident and left permanently paralyzed. I’ve watched divorce and separation happen to the most faithful workers of the Lord and I was left … speechless.

The reaction most people have when those things happen is to cover your mouth. People should learn from the mistakes of Job’s three friends, don’t pass judgment onto your suffering friends, because judgment may be passed onto you.

Speechless is the right reaction.

13Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins. – James 4:13-17

I was convicted to realized that all my plannings are futile in the sight of the Lord. Accidents help me to realize that God is God and I am but a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.