Pretense

What convicted me the most about tonight’s Beth Moore teaching on patience is ironically not patience, but pretense.

As I reflect back on the majority of my Christian walk or even the majority of my life (minus the time I was learning how to walk), I saw a lot of pretense.

I learned neat little ways to display as much as possible the perfection of my life superficially to others while point to God and wave around a false humility. In the mean time, I realize that in the process of keeping my life afloat from the outside, I minimized as much as possible what God wanted to teach me through conflicts, difficult situations and hardships. In essence, I neglected the inner work of God and I at times even out right refused God to come deep into my life to take out the junk, because I did such a good job of fooling others and even my self that my life is actually 99.9% perfect.

What is the result of the pretense? The three piece of paper hanging on the wall but superficial friendships. Spiritual leadership minus spiritual depth. I refuse to let that alluring Christian leadership stage light to shine on me until I learn to stare at the junk in my heart and ask God to lead me deeper and then deeper into Him.

Recently as my work life slows down, I am forced to stare at the mess in my private life. Some of the stuff buried so down deep, I didn’t even realize it was there. I have this nauseated feeling that God wants me to own this crap and then receive healing from Him. But the thought of healing is scary because I am used to be broken. Change is scary even if it is toward the better. How messed up is that?

I am glad that I have finally allowed my pride to take second place and allow everything else to slow down, so that God can be the physician and healer that He is meant to be in my life. The funny part is I don’t need to do much except: to wait and be still and trust in His healing hands.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147: 3

I have a real hard time to believe that God loves me. No I don’t have a hard time to believe that God loves, but a hard time to believe that God loves me.

Jeremiah 1:4-5 “The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” (NIV)

I also have a real hard time to accept God’s love in peace and ease. Like the older brother of the Prodigal Son story, I keep God at a distance.

Zephaniah 3:17
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (NIV)

Secretly. I also yearn to enjoy God’s love. I get startled from time to time when God or other people love me.

Psalm 36:5 -7
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.

How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.” (NIV)

Seek First His Kingdom

I haven’t been living from my heart. I have instead been living from my mind/common sense/worldly wisdom.

Give me Jesus.

I want to wake up in the morning with a spiritual yearning and EXCITEMENT, looking out for the hands of God in the mundane. With sparkles in my eyes and clumsy feet, I want to learn to dance with God daily. I want to hold the tragedy and injustice of the world in one hand and the redemption story of Jesus in other hand, and live in the full reality of this sinful world, but allow the Hope of His Kingdom to become more and more evident in my own life.

Give me Jesus.

I want to go through my week knowing without a shadow of doubt that I am walking in the path that God designed for me. I want to sit at His feet when I am all alone and be captivated by Him.

Life is too short to be wasted on paper crowns made for myself. I want to live out God’s Kingdom here on this earth and here in my life. As much as it concerns me, I want to make God’s Kingdom a reality.

Give me Jesus.

My Super-hero

Jesus is my super-hero!

Philippians 2: 1-11
Christ’s Example of Humility
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy,complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

A cup

Matthew 23:25
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self–indulgence.”

It is a lot easier to work on the outside of our lives, things that are readily available for people to see: success in career and jobs, ministry, the list goes on. However, Jesus cares more about the inside of the cups. No one is going to truly know how much you care about the Kingdom of God, not even those closest to you. Only God knows.

Success

Success is not measured by a number in my bank account or a number on my report card or the number of letters behind my name.
Success is measured by my relationship with God.

Remain faithful always to the one Person who loves me with an everlasting love.

I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.

If you wake up in the morning and read the newspaper about all that is going wrong in the world: famine, starvation, war, poverty, injustice, rape and put that newspaper side by side with the Bible, which story do you choose to believe?
I admire people who have child-like faith. I don’t. I am the typical doubting Thomas. At the age of 10, I managed to doubt the God of my parents for 2 years before deciding to accept Christ into my life. Even after 12 years of being a Christian, I still doubt God. But I kneel in front of my bed and I tell God honestly, that I need His help to believe. To believe that God cares deeply about the patients I serve with 8 different tubes going in and out of them. To believe that God cares deeply about the children with congenital disabilities who are abandoned by their own biological parents. 5 of 10 times, I end up wrestling with doubts and walk away sad because I can’t logically believe what the Bible teaches about God. The other 5 of 10 times, I do believe because God has empowered me to believe. God has been patient with me as I wrestle with these doubts. If I can’t praise Him, at least I am pouring out my heart at His feet. I may have offended God in a million ways, but I have been and will always be honest with Him with my thoughts.
Ironically, during the saddest time of my life, God has been the most near and dear to me. As if the suffering has been so intense the place I stand has become a Holy ground. During those times, I became most aware that I am at the mercy of a loving God to save me from my anguish.
During easier times, I would become so proud that I would forget to lean on God. Regardless, all I need is Jesus.

Idols

What is your idol?
Recently, our pastor preached on the topic of idols. It touches a soft spot in my heart. What are you idols? Can I truly say that I am fully satisfied in God with or without all the tangible blessings He has bestowed upon me? Would I stand with outreached hands and praise Him when life gets hard/harder?

Urbana, 2006, I was on bended knees to surrender everything that I desire and everything I already have at the foot of the cross. Because “he gives and takes away, blessed be His name.”

Those moments of darkness in the valley of shadow of death makes me realize that first death is but a shadow with the redemptive power of Christ and second I can also receive the gift of humility. Humility is refined when we have a proper perspective of our identity in Christ. Like Mephilbosheth at David’s table, I am but a crippled enemy at the table of the Almighty King, yet He welcomes me in as his own daughter and clothes me with righteousness.

This is the passage I am mulling over for the past week and I perhaps need a few more weeks before I can move onto another passage. I am that SLOW! lol

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 2 Peter 5:6

Grace vs. guilt part 1

I am learning to restore my sabbath after 6 years of craziness, thus today I have the time to sit down and type this entry up. The other day, I was with my spiritual mentor and when she started reading the scripture and told me to mediate on it, I nearly started crying at the sound of scripture being read out loud. The only thought in my head was I miss God so much.

Anyways, back to the topic I want to blog about: grace vs. guilt:

How many of us do things for God out of grace or gratitude or do we feel obligated that as Christ died on the Cross for us, thus we are suppose to act like Christians? What does it even mean to act like Christians?

How do we separate serving out of a cheerful heart vs. out of guilt and obligation? Would God still receive the sacrifice made out of duty and obligation?

I’ve always been guilty of playing the role of “the older brother from the prodigal son story”, but how do we understand God’s grace as acutely as the prodigal son without running from home all the time?

God says in Psalm 50,
“9 I have no need of a bull from your stall
or of goats from your pens,
10 for every animal of the forest is mine,
and the cattle on a thousand hills.
11 I know every bird in the mountains,
and the insects in the fields are mine.
12 If I were hungry I would not tell you,
for the world is mine, and all that is in it.
13 Do I eat the flesh of bulls
or drink the blood of goats? “

To paraphrase John Piper’s thoughts on the topic: Although God does not need our sacrifices, there is also sanctifying power demonstrated through servitude that are beneficial to the servants.

But I guess at the end of the day, even after we have sacrificed all our offerings, we are told me to be constantly mindful our shameless dependence on the Almighty God.

Psalm 50: 14-15
14 “Sacrifice thank offerings to God,
fulfill your vows to the Most High,
15 and call on me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you will honor me.”