Selfless generation

The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
The know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and the dirty and the dying. – “Red Moon Rising”

Is the selfless generation irresponsible for running against the tides, against the world? Am I irresponsible for choosing the road that I want to tread on? Have I not for the past 3 years carefully weighed the pros and cons and rationalized every aspect of this lubricious/foolish/irrational yet absolutely breath-taking decision? Have I not tried to pull the wool over my eyes and pretend that I can just stay in the Matrix for a bit longer and find that it did not work for me?

I will not be financially irresponsible, I will not commit “cultural suicide” like some Christians. I know people struggle to put food on the table. I know life is hard and some are all just trying to survive another day. I know that I need to be able to take care of myself before I can serve others. I am not impulsive with my decisions. I am not trying to be a nomad on the road for the sake of being cool.

Is being a Jesus freak only belong to the good old high school/college days when we had nothing much in our hands to offer the Lord? Now that we are more equipped and more blessed, we can turn around and pat ourselves on the back and walk away to build our own temples like nothing happened? Can I be able to do that while I am addicted to being in the presence of the Lord?

“But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute…in all your detestable practices and your prostitution you did not remember the days of your youth, when you were naked and bare, kicking about in your blood.” – Ezekiel 16:22

21-24″I can’t stand your religious meetings.
I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
your pretentious slogans and goals.
I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes,
your public relations and image making.
I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
When was the last time you sang to me?
Do you know what I want?
I want justice—oceans of it.
I want fairness—rivers of it.
That’s what I want. That’s all I want. -Amos 5:21-24 (The Message)

loved

I love the prodigal son story. God always ends up speaking to me through this story. These days, I am taking an extended Sabbath, a time of rest and renewal. I noticed over this past year I have been addicted to work. It’s a deadly addiction that I have acquired over the years. There were times at work as if I am driving a broken car at its full speed. I am trying to run out of gas to prove to God that I am burnt out for the Kingdom then he will allow me to stop. Instead of taking care of my own spiritual needs and brokenness, I numb these unspoken pain and hurt in my heart through work. Just as long the adrenaline is your blood, the high is still there. Most people know exactly what I am talking about.

These days, I have nothing to do. I feel useless. I ask God stupid questions that came straight from my heart, like “Do you love the unbelievers and the kids in East Asia more than me?” That’s a stupid question, a stupid question that the older brother asked when his father welcomed his prodigal brother back home. Instead of standing beside his father waiting for his prodigal brother to come back home, the church, including myself, is often the one barrier that prevents seekers to truly understand the grace of God. We act as if we have the right to initiate other new believers through judging their life styles, but the truth is we are not happy with the past sacrifices we had to make so we force these sacrifices onto others. The bottom line is most Christians don’t even know that they are loved by God unconditionally.

The East Asian societies with their mad work ethics need grace, need freedom, need time to pause and ponder about life without deadlines. I need to learn to live a life to the fullest without addictions to work, without deriving cheap joy from circumstances but real joy from delighting in the Lord.

“Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desire of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4

I am loved. I am biting my tongue on this one, but it’s the truth. I am loved NOT because I speak mandarin and I am a physical therapy student and I have a heart for the lost!!!!!

I am loved because I am His precious princess.

Funnies:
My roommate Tamryn has stolen the clown role that I have always enjoyed playing and I will forgive her for that.

High school tech class:
Presentation time:
Me: super hyper to present our video to the class, yet cannot get the VCR to cooperate with me. 1 min later, I am in tears and I want my mommy. My project partner finally gets up from his seat causally and says, “carol, the tape is not in the VCR.”
GEEZ, THANKS for the help!

Look how skillful Tam has stolen my role, that sneaky little girl =P
The first day she came to visit my place before deciding to move to Kingston.
Me: Look out the window, it’s beautiful we get to see sunset and sunrise from here!
a person with a brain and a straight face: you can’t see both.
Me: oh, maybe just sunrise? =P
5 min later after we have moved onto two other conversations…
Tam: you are so silly carol, you can’t see both.
Seriously, Tam, seriously.

Hence the reason, I have long given up sorting out bills and tips at restaurants, because it’s more irritating than funny to my friends as I make a fool of myself. You know it’s mostly to entertain people. =) That and I need a calculator to do math.

5 loaves

By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere- Elisabeth Elliot

I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts.” – Elizabeth Elliot

It becomes less and less of a desire to spend time with God as my schedule becomes more cluttered with service and work and school and service and work and prep and work and school. The element of uncertainty saves my faith on a daily basis, because uncertainty makes me realize that I need to reply on God or else I would just run wild with the plan and never bother to talk to the One who has given me the plan in the first place.

Sometimes, I wonder if my faith was purer when I was younger and has it become more experienced and tainted through the years and I have lost my child-like innocent faith. I remember the days when we prayed for revival on campus and we really believed and even though reality didn’t meet our mad high expectations, we still praised God. These days, I have became a realist, there are bills and debts to be paid, food to be cooked and work to be done. The reality is there is only 5 loaves and 2 fishes. I am only one person, with two hands and I need to sleep but I want to be prepared… did I mention I need to sleep… I love sleeping.

1. Clinically prepared for the kids with special needs and other common injuries/chronic problems/ergonomics as a means to reach out to the community
2. learn medical words in mandarin and Christian words in mandarin
3. learn mandarin worship songs, learn how to play them on guitar
4. learn how to do counseling for teens and kids
5. learn how to integrate adults with disability into the working community
6. get inside of the head of someone with permanent disability and figure out what life is like on the inside ( through reading novels and not harming myself haha)
7. learn how local people think about faith and Christianity
8. learn about Buddhism and patriotism
9. read my bible

I listed out all the steps for me to be prepared, so much so that I rely more on my diligence than on God’s power and might. God, I need to slow down… after all I am not superwoman.

Matthew 16:9
Do you still not understand? Don’t you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered?

Head over heels with Kingston! =)

Kingston is one of those lovely little town that got personality of its own. The setting sun over the shimmering lake while you walk pass by joggers that make you feel guilty for not exercising regularly. Plus, small shops with unique arts and boutique dress with one of its kind items. The town is small enough to walk from one end to another. On top of that, it’s got a military base, three universities, and prisons =)

It’s funny how I always end up living on one of the busiest streets, where Christmas parade take place, both in Toronto and Kingston.
Check out some awesome pictures.

And, from the noise outside my window, I am pretty sure Queen’s football team won the champion this year. Go Queen’s Go!

Lastly, I am reminded again and again how temporary my time is here in Kingston. Things are wrapping up just when I am beginning to settle down in this little town. I am torn between two countries, and any news that related to China can make my heart leap. I know life would be harder over there, I know there would be more expectations. I know that I would need to draw closer to God and I know that many trials and tribulations await me. But, I also know that I can never ever erase the thought of moving to China from my head, because doing that would be like violating something deep inside of me. As if China has got under my skin, engraved on my heart that I cannot shake the dust of China off my saddles even if I took the 13 hour flight to come back to Canada. China has gotten under my skin. For all those who have fallen in love with the East, but forced to live temporarily in the West, you know what I am talking about.

While my love for the lovely town Kingston is lighthearted and joyful, my love for China cuts deep under my soul, beckons me to sacrifice everything not because I am Chinese but because I love God and this is what He wants me to do.

Urbana memories

Urbana family group!!!

As Urbana 2009 is drawing closer, I can’t help but remember the good times back in 2006. The confusion I had prior to the event, and the clarity that I received during Urbana. My own inner struggle throughout the whole time and God’s loving hands on me the entire time. Much has changed since Urbana. People from my family group went their separate ways. I remember one girl was telling me that she is seeking after God in terms where she wants to go long term, and all I can think about is China because after all I am mad in love with China. But I didn’t say a word to her. At the time, she was considering India instead. Years later, she is now a long termer in my beloved motherland and she is encouraging me in my pursue to do long term over there. Talk about craziness!

The people I was with at Urbana are still around encouraging me on this narrow road of mine. I met up with one in Taipei, the holy woman of God that I came to admire so much. Then, my current sweet and cute little roommate was also with me at Urbana.

So many awesome memories, but the sweetest of them all was crying in the prayer room all by myself and laying down everything I have in front of the Cross and offering for the first time all that I have so that God can use me.

I am still learning the same lesson now.

If you haven’t gone to Urbana, you should go this Dec.

Daily bread

Give me this day our daily bread – Matthew 6:11
I always thought I cared more about evangelism than social justice. As if I can dump the gospel on a stranger’s lap and walk away when they are struggling with physical, psychological, and emotional pain that clearly needs long term healing instead of a quick fix. Of course, there is the supernatural power in conversion, but the long term discipleship matters soooooo much more.
Of course, I first need His healing for my own heart. I trust you God even though I am scared, but I trust you.

Orphan Sunday from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

Traveling alone

I hate traveling alone, because I always have to be extra careful in watching my bags before and after the flight. However, during the flight from Taipei to Beijing, I met two interesting ladies.

Lady #1:
She is a Canadian girl who just finished her exchange mandarin program in Taipei. There was an instant connection when we started chatting, and for the first time, I was overwhelmed with the subtle difference between Canadian and American English accents in every sentence we spoke. I must have sounded so weird to my American friends during my trip in East Asia.

Through talking to her, I decided to add one more thing onto my to-do list before I move to East Asia: a cross-country trip in Canada. Maybe, because I know in my heart that I won’t be here for too long, I am starting to love this country.

Lady #2:
She happened to be sitting right beside me on the plane and she is a Taiwanese-American girl from UC Irvine! The college that gave birth to the sickest dance crew ever, Kaba Modern!!! We talked a lot about Asian-American (Canadian) identity and how confusing it is for us to navigate the muddy water of our social lives in both continents while living bi-culturally.

Work and Worship

In an attempt to try to flush out/digest the things that I learned on the trip, here is another posting.

In Taipei, I got to listen to an interesting sermon on Work and Worship, so here are the points from His sermon as food for thoughts. I can’t say I agree with the Pastor 100%, but I can see his refreshing points.

Matt 5:41 – If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.

The sermon is based on the premises that work is worship.
- If this verse is put in the context of work, where that “anyone” can mean your boss or teacher or an general expectation of work.
- It is crucial to be able to enjoy the first mile at work, so that we can be able to walk the extra mile with joy.
- Work-related stress doesn’t actually stem from work, but they come from wrong expectations, frustrations, taking criticism too personally or relational problems.
- The pastor’s advice for the young people at his church is that they should never evangelize during the first 3 months at work, because they need to be able to do their work well first and witness through actions first then through words.

On a side note, I have always had my share of fascinations of Taipei due to various Taiwanese dramas and stars. Now, I can give those fascinations a rest, because after spending 3 days there I can tell you that life in Taipei is just like life everywhere else.

Current fascinations:
Shanghai, Rome, New York, Paris, London and Seoul.

Talk about metropolitan cities, Toronto is still on the top of my list. When I was passing through Canadian Customs after landing, I was in awe of how multicultural the custom crew was: Indian, African Canadian, Asian and Caucasian.

Love is selfless

If there is one word to describe this past trip, then that is LOVE. Love of God, who loves me so much that He even cared the trivial details of my traveling plans, my departure dates and arrival dates in every city coincides with the timing of something significant that either made my life easier or allowed me to speak love and truth into another person’s life in that city.

Love of people, who are willing to abandon their cultural identities and their future plans in order to serve others and further His kingdom. I met countless people who are leading selfless lives in their respective vocations, that is an outflow of God’s love. Only when people get soaking wet in the fountain of God’s love, can they love others unconditionally.

Jaeson Ma’s new single “Love”

East Asia 2009 update 1

After the wonderful, soulfreeing, life-changing, visionary experience for the first month of my trip, I was smothered by materialism during my short stay in TJ.

I went out for dinner with my relatives, and a dish cost $1000 RMB, and I kept on staring at the dish and thinking to myself that $1000 is the average monthly salary for a local factory worker. At work in the last 4 weeks, lunch only costs $3 RMB and I washed my own dishes. In TJ, people drove me around in brand name cars and I missed taking the buses by myself. The conversation at the dinner table revolved around one theme: money and social-economic status as if people depended on those two things to breathe. I was smothered by materialism like I was smothered by the August heat.

See the thing is I didn’t live here for the past decade. I wasn’t there to write the entrance exams for middle school or high school or college. I wasn’t there when tons of people lost their jobs almost overnight. I didn’t live in a country with billions of people for the past 10 years, so I don’t understand the survival of the fittest doctrine that so many local people adhere to. Who am I to judge them for worshipping money, status and “face”?

I left TJ as fast as lightening, and I wish I can go back and dwell among my relatives to share with them that there is another way of life, but at the same time I couldn’t stand being smothered by materialism. I left just in time so I can breathe again. Maybe, I won’t be living in TJ long term?