Grandparents

As most children who grew up in Tianjin, China, my grandparents (my dad’s parents) brought me up. I’ve come to know them as my second set of parents (almost) for 12 years before I left China. There is this heart connection I have with them through blood and life experience.

It grieves my heart beyond measure to know that they are nearing the end of their lives and they still don’t know Jesus. I first came to know this grief when my grandma (my mom’s mother) past away in 2008. It was a piercing grief, a super natural grief that is completely different from the grief of other kinds of setbacks in life. It is not just the grief of losing a family member, but the grief of not knowing whether I will ever see her again or not for the span of eternity. The same grief leaves me speechless and motionless every time I pray for my grandparents from my dad’s side. In the midst of other uncertainties in my life, this particular grief is so much more forceful and stronger during this Christmas season. I wish God would answer this one prayer of bring my grandparents to Him more than any other prayers.

 

Thoughts on novels

There is something magical that happens when one picks up a pen and write out a story, a novel with characters and plots and climax and twisted endings. Most people would believe that the most joyously part of writing or reading a novel is the anticipation for the ending. Some of the writers would admit that they wouldn’t even formulate the ending while they are in the process of writing. I, on the other hand, is notoriously known for reading the last page of each novel before proceeding to read the rest. There is something unsettling for me to not know the ending while I am in the midst of a significant story.
However, there is one story that does not give me the option of jumping to the last page of the book. And that is life. However, when I learned to pause and reflect and realize that in fact the most exciting part was never the end of the story, but rather the process, in the midst of seemingly confusing circumstances, our characters are being conformed to the likeness of Christ, our lives are transformed and in the thickets of Jordan is when Heaven touches Earth and I find myself resting in God’s heavenly arms. This perspective about life also miraculously cured my addiction to worry and eased stress in the thickets of Jordan and in the midst of storm. So then, who cares about the ending, just as long as I am in God’s arms!

the addiction of worry

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.-Matt 6:34

The church and the world only labels certain sins as sins that require rehab and healing. Other sins don’t make it to the top chart, so people just shrug their shoulders and go on with their lives.

What if I tell you that worry is unbelief, and unbelief is spitting in Jesus’ face while he was on the cross. Does that sound a bit more serious?

What if I tell you that stress/worry can lead to chronic disease? What if I tell you that there seem to be a generalized personality trait with every person with hypertension problem: they tend to worry a lot more than the average person.

I have a confession to make that I am addicted to worry, but I resolve to overcome it with God’s help. It is not trivial and it is not part of my personality, it is sin plain and simple, my health and my faith in God depend on it.

Hosea’s wife

God, I miss you soooooo much tonight.

Hosea’s Wife
I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me
She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech
That turned to mine and asked belligerently
What do I live for

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go
From hearts to wars to literature to radio
There’s a question like a shame no one will show
What do I live for

We are Hosea’s wife
We are squandering this life
Using people like ladders and words like knives

[Chorus]
If we’ve eyes to see
If we’ve ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths the word that saves is near
Shed that shallow skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were before
To believe is to begin

There is truth in little corners of our lives
There are hints of it in songs and children’s eyes
It’s familiar, like an ancient lullaby
What do I live for

We are Hosea’s wife
We are squandering this life
Using bodies like money and truth like lies

If we’ve eyes to see
If we’ve ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths the word that saves is near
Shed that shallow skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were before
To believe is to begin

We are more than dust
That means somethin’
That means somethin’
We are more than just
Blood and emotions
Inklings and notions
Atoms on oceans

We are Hosea’s wife
We are squandering this life
Using people like ladders and words like knives

If we’ve eyes to see
If we’ve ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths the word that saves is near
Shed that shallow skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were before
To believe is to begin

If we’ve eyes to see
If we’ve ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths the word that saves is near
Shed that shallow skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were before
To believe is to begin…

To believe is to begin
(Leave all you were before)
To believe is to begin, do-do-do-do do-do-do-do-do
(Leave all you were before)
To believe is to begin

conversation with a traveller

I have the privilege of conversing via email with a friend overseas. She might be reading this post too.
The topic arises that compares the excitement of adventure through traveling vs. stability in a particular geographic location.
I believe each choice is made through careful examination of the heart and prayer. At the end of the day, it would still be God who decides. I personally think the one thing that we fear the most may the very thing that God want us to venture upon.

A Vapour in the Air

Life with its left turns and lemons can be a hard pill to swallow. Anyone living beyond the age of 3 knows what it feels like to bawl your eyes out. We tug away our tears and wounds in the dark, but they occasionally come back to hunt us and forces us to question God’s goodness and loving-kindness in the present context. Instead of letting the ugly past overwhelm the present, another perspective is to allow God to speak through the past and understand the heart of our loving Father.

When things in life turn dark, really dark in my narrowed perspective in the past, I was forced to realize that my faith is smaller than a mustard seed. I was forced to be on my knees for hours at a time, pounding my fist into the concrete ground. Knowing that only God has the power and the authority to make the pain stop. Pain forced me to realize that I am but a vapour in the air, a drop in the wide ocean, a stitch of a grandeur tapestry, a tree branch in a forest.

Adam and Eve

What is the implication behind sin committed by Adam and Eve? They refused to believe in the goodness of God and His plan and instead they want to discern good and evil on their own.

The moment I surrender my futile attempts to control my future is the moment I get closer to garden of Eden and the moment I get closer to God.

A balancing Act

I never thought I would like physiotherapy as much as I do now when I was still in PT school. I thought I would want to use my spare time to pursue other things while work at a 9-5 physio job. Then I realized that the working life continues to evolve and change and as a clinician, I also need to continue to evolve and learn new skills in order to become a better physiotherapist.

The only problem is I have had the issue of worshiping school as my idol before, and I need to continue to remind myself to take the much needed rest outside of work.

It is a balance act and much discernment is needed.

The other balancing act is to yearn for the Kingdom of God while continue to glorify God here on Earth. I drift from one extreme to another. Tonight, putting aside all my plans about career and life, I am home sick for Jesus. “How long must I wait to be with you?”

A cup

Matthew 23:25
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self–indulgence.”

It is a lot easier to work on the outside of our lives, things that are readily available for people to see: success in career and jobs, ministry, the list goes on. However, Jesus cares more about the inside of the cups. No one is going to truly know how much you care about the Kingdom of God, not even those closest to you. Only God knows.

Glow worm

There was a little Chinese girl who grew up and wanted to be a writer. She would read about famous female writers’ biographies and picture her life to be like theirs.
Then, she wanted to be a historian. She wanted to travel to the remote areas of China and interview the oldest generation of Chinese women and write about their experience of foot bidding and banning of foot bidding.
The thing about growing up for this little girl is the eventual realization that the world does not revolve around her. Over time, she learned to cheer for other people’s success. Over time, she learned that it is better to live to be forgotten, to encourage someone else instead of herself. She learned that life became easier when she let go of her dreams, her expectations of life.
Those realizations and life lessons came painfully and she still has scars left to prove it. Everyday, she still wakes up in the morning and bang her head against the wall figuratively speaking in order to remember that she is certainly not the center of the universe, and unlike Winston Churchill, she is certainly not a glow-worm, but just a worm.
She continues to count herself very lucky that God didn’t leave her to be a glow worm, because to her, only Jesus glows.

The little girl is me.

Footnote: “We are all worms, but I do believe that I am a glow worm.”
- Winston Churchill